paper boats

i'm back home. not too happy, not too unhappy i guess. perhaps a bit more unhappy than happy. it's fine. seeing people is nice.

going home to the woods in the rain was satisfactory. i like it up here. it's wet and brisk. the air is so much cleaner. perfect. sleeping in my own bed was lonely.

i can't help but be lost in those two weeks. it'll pass eventually, but i'm not so sure i want 'eventually' to take place.

i guess i'm kinda lost in space...

i've been going through a very strange and unfamiliar phase lately, perhaps for the last month or so. i don't seem to care about much of anything. i've come to the realisation only recently that i spend a lot of time trying to please people in lots of different little ways, and for some reason i just haven't brought myself to care anymore. i'm tired of being stressed and anxious about what people think of me, as if to uphold some bullshit reputation, ...it can easily and quickly eat up one's life. everyone is human. i'm not talking about not caring for people or not having people's best interests at heart... kindness and loving people wins. i guess i'm just learning more and more to not be completely paranoid and so self aware. does the quest for finding your most honest self ever end? i've been trying for years... so depressing, and quite annoying...

i hate being this cheesy. if i were reading this on someone else's blog i would think they were completely cheesy. it's just heavy on me right now. i'm also questioning things in christianity a lot, which may be a good thing in the long run, or just plain bad. i haven't sorted it out yet. i just want to do what i want to do, and not care. i'm over a lot of things.

ANYWAY, london truly is incredible. tim and i both feel like i just live here now. it doesn't feel like any sort of break or vacation, just normal, like i should be here, perhaps even belong here. we've had big nights out lately. emily is currently in paris on business. she might have sold a design to a company that might distribute her designs on handbags in france. so cool. my sort of lack of time/funds has kept me from going down there with her for a couple days. next time with friends from california will be perfect. scotland, on the other hand, was fun. crazy. random, and maybe even a bit lonely, but fun nonetheless. today is extremely chill. tim is at college. camilla is at work. i took a bath. it was honestly one of the best, most relaxing things i've done since i've been here. i think i may watch a film now and just take it easy with some tetley. i've managed to order a film called "girl on the bridge". it came in a couple days ago. i couldn't find it anywhere in the bay area. i even swam and went looking at the bottom of the bay, couldn't find it. camilla really likes vetiver. weird that they're not even huge in san francisco and yet there's a buzz about them over here. the internet is mad crazy yo. neat. okay, this was too long. thanks for reading.

love.

p.s. listen to a song called, "la la" by cortney tidwell

also, "world war 24" by ryan adams is simply amazing, along with most of his stuff.

blue sky, when you gonna learn to rain?

I'm sitting in Jordan's office right now, sippin on a calimojay (about 2 1/2 oz. red wine, filled with coke, topped with a orange juice float... basically bliss in a glass) listening to Demolition. I woke up early today, around 10:30, and came here to help record drums and percussion stuff on one of Jordan's solo project songs with him. There was a view and a good sound of the rain coming down through the window in the room, we drank tea, tried to wake up and i sat behind a small drum set for the first time in months trying to remember those little things that a drummer can do to try to make it sound like he knows what he's doing. I wish it was my job, to just do things like this. I feel like it's all Ryan Adams does... wakes up for his routine, gets coffee, heads down to the studio somewhere in Manhattan, does a line of coke and just works at his leisure. It was fun today.

I leave for London Monday. Anticipation. A great Blonde Redhead song. I'm coming Shannon! You'll have to show me your favourite places so far when i arrive...

I heard someone say on t.v. today that love is absolutely the most important thing in life...

bird on a wire.

For some reason lately i've just wanted it to be summer time, ...warm and clear skied, and then i would drive around santa cruz with a few friends listening to rogue wave and perhaps eating some banana ice cream from marianne's before we would go to the beach and just be at the beach. Although of course that would only last for maybe 4 hours or so before i would crave rain and clouds again and i would want to go to a nice pub and throw darts and drink a boddingtons, ...but it's neither rain nor shine lately and i think it may be throwing me off. I need to start reading more... any recommendations?