Washed up on a shore of memory

i've recently been

2007-09-02T02:14:00.002-07:00

finding myself saying things like:

"hi, one for two days in paris please."

"hello, just a table for one please."

"oh yeah, no, you can take it, no one's sitting there."

"okay, maybe i'll come meet you later."

"yeah, i went by myself, it was good."

so much alone time lately. but it really has been good. i have this charging thing that happens when i'm away or isolated, like i'm a battery that can go and can maybe be ready to socialize adequately at some point throughout the day. and yet other times not charged nearly enough. like all the time in the world couldn't buy me some energy. just a bunny i am! i do think i think about it too much though. how do i get around that? to concentrate on not thinking about how you're thinking too much. if all goes according to planned, i'll be moving to nyc in jan. feeling good about it. scared though. leaving everything to just go. and then not really having a choice to be alone or not. just jumping. i'm so tired. i get cheesy when i'm tired. so lethargic. i quit my job yesterday. what am i thinking?! roller coaster. i just want to do music. and be satisfied in doing so. i'm never satisfied. fuck dat shit.

2007-08-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

I LOVE BANKSY!

tip toe through our shiny city

2007-06-28T18:56:00.001-07:00

i managed to get the time off work that i needed to see the national last night with jordan in sf at bimbo's. we had promised eachother the night before that we would go straight to the bar upon arrival and each take a shot with a beer chaser. somehow the fernet branca and budweiser just seemed necessary for the occasion. the show, in my opinion, was the best of the year so far. there are inconsistensies with that band that i would ordinarily dislike with other bands, but they get away with it for some reason, a bit like ryan adams, but still different. "charm" if you like. and perhaps just plain lovely memories of london and the people there. i forgot how much i missed certain things/nights/person.

Son of a Widow

2007-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

after some mewithoutYou talk last night, and after realising that some people(ie: kristin, brian...?!) hadn't actually listened to them before, i was propelled to take a listen and tried imagining myself hearing them for the first time. then this song played and i was recalling them playing it live in camden town, it being probably some of the sadder few minutes of my life, and yet somehow still hopeful. simply amazing.

there's a million miles still to go

2007-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

i think things are just now starting to sort out, kind of.

put a little somethin in our lemonade and take it with us

2007-04-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

as of yesterday, one hundred and twenty-five mixed drinks later and after both written and practical exams, i am now a california state certified bartender. bark! bark!!!

parlor match

2007-04-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

a new song that jordan wrote is up on both his music myspace page and my personal. he wrote, played and sang all but the few drum bits that are there. great song and melody creating on his part. i'm very pleased with it. let me know what you think.

a good song

2007-03-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

this is probably one of my favourite music videos ever. it captures a certain reality so well. the song itself is really good but the imagery changes everything. for me more so i suppose, because it reminds me of a certain london someone. not so much the words, but a time and place and perhaps the overall feel. as well as it being an exact recollection of scotland... me walking the streets of edinburgh two nights in a row, alone & completely drunk, at clubs and just meeting random people and making friends. this was filmed in paris but the brick streets and some shots are straight nostalgia of edinburgh. lovely.

2007-03-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

i can't stop craving london. i actually hope it'll stop soon because it's agony. i'll be going back this summer if all goes well.

this bit makes me miss new york though...

i like what he said here...

2007-03-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

and if you're really interested...

so on.

all the water left...

2007-03-09T16:01:00.000-08:00

i woke up sick. ate some soup, drank tea, and read bits out of the collosus. i don't know when this thing is going to be satisfied. it's hard to care about much right now. i want to, i just can't bring myself to.

i was expecting a little more out of rob bell wednesday night. he didn't talk about his book one bit. i was hoping he would. he said he didn't want to because he wrote it, which is understandable but still weird. instead he came out and semi-jokingly said the q & a session would be as good as we made it. i wish he would have presented something. it took the audience about 15 or 20 minutes to get warmed up and comfortable with him. and even some of the better questions that were asked were left with vague and ambiguous feeling answers, leaving me wanting more explanations. it was good to just have him in front of me though. he's changed my perspective on a whole lot.

in other interests, daft punk confirmed their show with the rapture at the greek theatre in berkeley on july 27th. fun.

why do i want to feel numb? i'm sure it has a lot to do with not having money or a job and having bills to pay. along with living in the san jose area right now. at the moment, it's hard to believe the whole pitch about making yourself happy where you are, not having the place determining it. how does one remain unaffected?

paper boats

2007-02-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

i'm back home. not too happy, not too unhappy i guess. perhaps a bit more unhappy than happy. it's fine. seeing people is nice.

going home to the woods in the rain was satisfactory. i like it up here. it's wet and brisk. the air is so much cleaner. perfect. sleeping in my own bed was lonely.

i can't help but be lost in those two weeks. it'll pass eventually, but i'm not so sure i want 'eventually' to take place.

i guess i'm kinda lost in space...

2007-02-22T04:20:00.000-08:00

i've been going through a very strange and unfamiliar phase lately, perhaps for the last month or so. i don't seem to care about much of anything. i've come to the realisation only recently that i spend a lot of time trying to please people in lots of different little ways, and for some reason i just haven't brought myself to care anymore. i'm tired of being stressed and anxious about what people think of me, as if to uphold some bullshit reputation, ...it can easily and quickly eat up one's life. everyone is human. i'm not talking about not caring for people or not having people's best interests at heart... kindness and loving people wins. i guess i'm just learning more and more to not be completely paranoid and so self aware. does the quest for finding your most honest self ever end? i've been trying for years... so depressing, and quite annoying...

i hate being this cheesy. if i were reading this on someone else's blog i would think they were completely cheesy. it's just heavy on me right now. i'm also questioning things in christianity a lot, which may be a good thing in the long run, or just plain bad. i haven't sorted it out yet. i just want to do what i want to do, and not care. i'm over a lot of things.

ANYWAY, london truly is incredible. tim and i both feel like i just live here now. it doesn't feel like any sort of break or vacation, just normal, like i should be here, perhaps even belong here. we've had big nights out lately. emily is currently in paris on business. she might have sold a design to a company that might distribute her designs on handbags in france. so cool. my sort of lack of time/funds has kept me from going down there with her for a couple days. next time with friends from california will be perfect. scotland, on the other hand, was fun. crazy. random, and maybe even a bit lonely, but fun nonetheless. today is extremely chill. tim is at college. camilla is at work. i took a bath. it was honestly one of the best, most relaxing things i've done since i've been here. i think i may watch a film now and just take it easy with some tetley. i've managed to order a film called "girl on the bridge". it came in a couple days ago. i couldn't find it anywhere in the bay area. i even swam and went looking at the bottom of the bay, couldn't find it. camilla really likes vetiver. weird that they're not even huge in san francisco and yet there's a buzz about them over here. the internet is mad crazy yo. neat. okay, this was too long. thanks for reading.

love.

p.s. listen to a song called, "la la" by cortney tidwell

also, "world war 24" by ryan adams is simply amazing, along with most of his stuff.

blue sky, when you gonna learn to rain?

2007-02-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in Jordan's office right now, sippin on a calimojay (about 2 1/2 oz. red wine, filled with coke, topped with a orange juice float... basically bliss in a glass) listening to Demolition. I woke up early today, around 10:30, and came here to help record drums and percussion stuff on one of Jordan's solo project songs with him. There was a view and a good sound of the rain coming down through the window in the room, we drank tea, tried to wake up and i sat behind a small drum set for the first time in months trying to remember those little things that a drummer can do to try to make it sound like he knows what he's doing. I wish it was my job, to just do things like this. I feel like it's all Ryan Adams does... wakes up for his routine, gets coffee, heads down to the studio somewhere in Manhattan, does a line of coke and just works at his leisure. It was fun today.

I leave for London Monday. Anticipation. A great Blonde Redhead song. I'm coming Shannon! You'll have to show me your favourite places so far when i arrive...

I heard someone say on t.v. today that love is absolutely the most important thing in life...

bird on a wire.

2007-02-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

For some reason lately i've just wanted it to be summer time, ...warm and clear skied, and then i would drive around santa cruz with a few friends listening to rogue wave and perhaps eating some banana ice cream from marianne's before we would go to the beach and just be at the beach. Although of course that would only last for maybe 4 hours or so before i would crave rain and clouds again and i would want to go to a nice pub and throw darts and drink a boddingtons, ...but it's neither rain nor shine lately and i think it may be throwing me off. I need to start reading more... any recommendations?

City streets.

2006-12-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

There's been some time and things have taken place, one being a great visit to New York... We met some nice people and i guess what better way to keep in touch than Jesse right? Apparently i'm back in, non-New York friends should be friends too...